Shouldn’t My Manager Be Telling Me?
Written by Jen Meldrum
Sometimes the hardest part of coaching isn’t finding the right question, it’s staying the course when the client feels stuck.
One coachee came to coaching wanting to “develop” in her role. On the surface, it sounded clear, but when we started exploring what that actually meant, it became immediately tricky.
I asked questions like:
- “What do you want to develop?”
- “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
- “What skills would make your next step exciting or fulfilling?”
Each time, the answer circled back to the same place: “I’m not sure. Shouldn’t my manager tell me what I need to do?”
She wanted to progress in her career, she knew that much, but she didn’t know what that actually looked like, and she was looking externally for direction. Development, in her view, was something given to her, not something she could shape herself.
Going in circles.
We went around this loop for most of the session. I tried different ways of asking:
- “What excites you about your role?”
- “If you could design your ideal next project, what would it involve?”
- “Which skills or experiences would make you feel ready for the next step?”
Every time, she returned to the same anchor point: her manager should be the one guiding her. I could feel the session looping, and part of me worried we weren’t making progress.
I realised she was stuck in a very familiar way, she wanted permission before moving, rather than trusting her own curiosity and agency. My challenge was how to hold the space for her to think autonomously, without just giving advice or telling her what to do.
Introducing a framework.
At this point, I gently introduced Stephen Covey’s Circle of Control. We looked at:
- What’s within her control
- What sits outside her control
- Where she was focusing her energy
The framework helped her see that waiting for her manager to dictate her development meant she was focusing on something outside her control.
I encouraged her to explore questions like:
- “What can you influence about your own development?”
- “What skills or experiences would make your next step exciting?”
- “How can you find out what opportunities exist, rather than waiting for someone to tell you?”
Slowly, the conversation shifted. She began to consider what she wanted, what might interest her, and where she could take initiative. It wasn’t immediate, we circled for a while, revisiting the same themes, but gradually, she started opening to the idea that she could create her own opportunities, not just wait for them.
The shift.
It wasn’t a dramatic breakthrough, the session wasn’t about “aha!” moments, but by the end, she had started to consider possibilities that were her own. She realised that waiting for direction was keeping her stuck, and that taking small steps to explore her own interests and development could be empowering.
The realisation landed slowly, quietly, and it was meaningful: development could be something she actively shaped, not something handed down to her.
The reflection.
This session reminded me that clients don’t always move at the pace we expect — and that resistance often protects something important.
Sometimes, the work isn’t finding an answer in the moment. Sometimes, it’s staying patient, asking, listening, and gently guiding without fixing.
What I’m learning.
- “Stuck” doesn’t mean “failing”, it often means something important is being challenged.
- Beliefs can be deeply held, and they don’t shift quickly.
- Frameworks like the Circle of Control can help clients see their own agency.
- Progress doesn’t always look like a breakthrough; sometimes it looks like a crack opening in the way they see themselves.
Thoughts to consider:
- How do you notice when your own expectations start shaping how you hear a client’s goal?
- What does “depth” look like for different types of clients?
- How can you check that a goal connects for them, rather than assuming what “connection” should sound like?
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