The uncomfortable truth about emotional intelligence

Recently, in a coaching conversation, someone told me quite openly that they wanted to use their emotional expression to get what they wanted — even if that meant harnessing and displaying feelings they did not genuinely have.

That’s the moment I thought: This is the shadow side of emotional intelligence.

We often speak about EQ as if it is universally good. But it’s not inherently virtuous — it’s a set of skills. And like any skill, it depends on the intent behind it. With the wrong intent, emotional intelligence stops being about connection and growth and starts becoming about control and manipulation.

What does this look like in practice?

In 1:1 relationships

• Turning on tears or anger to trigger guilt or compliance.

• Saying what someone wants to hear with no intention of following through.

• Gaslighting: framing another’s emotions as overreaction while presenting oneself as the “calm, reasonable” one.

In teams

• Manufacturing harmony by shutting down healthy debate.

• Playing to individuals’ vulnerabilities (“I know you don’t like to let people down…”) to extract more work.

• Using empathy selectively — favouring some while sidelining others.

In leadership

• Inspiring loyalty through polished empathy while hiding self-serving decisions.

• Image management: appearing approachable, while remaining inaccessible when it really matters.

• Suppressing dissent under the banner of “emotional maturity” or “staying positive.”

So what’s the difference?

It all comes down to intent.

• Healthy EQ: grounded in authenticity, growth, and integrity.

• Unhealthy EQ: driven by manipulation, control, or self-interest.

From the outside, the behaviours may look the same — but the impact on trust, culture, and relationships couldn’t be more different.

💡Reflection for you:

Have you seen this “other side” of emotional intelligence?

And the tougher question: Do you always use your own EI with the right intent?

💡Reflection for me:

So, what did I do in that coaching conversation? I called it out with a simple question: “What’s your intention here?”

Their answer told them everything they needed to know.

If you work with people, lead teams, or coach others — it’s worth asking yourself the same question once in a while.

Get in touch – kirsty@thinkeq.com