Taming my Inner Fixer
Written by Jen Meldrum
As I’ve started coaching more graduates and young professionals, I’ve noticed something interesting, and a little uncomfortable.
The more I get to know my clients, the more I care. And the more I care, the harder it sometimes becomes to stay purely in coaching mode.
As the sessions progress, we get comfortable with each other. We build rapport, trust, and a rhythm. And in that familiarity, a new voice sometimes sneaks in: the voice of my inner fixer.
When “coach” starts to blur into “mentor.”
It usually happens when a client reminds me of my younger self.
They’re navigating a familiar path: first jobs, self-doubt, imposter syndrome, questions about direction, things I’ve lived through myself.
And then my mind starts quietly whispering:
“Oh, I know exactly what they mean.”
“I remember feeling that way.”
“I could just tell them what helped me…”
Before I know it, my questions start with “I think…” – and that’s my signal.
It’s the moment I realise I’m veering off the coaching track.
“I think” usually means I’m about to give advice, or share from my experience.
It’s well-intentioned, of course, I want to help. But in doing that, I risk stepping into the space for them, instead of holding it with them.
The tug-of-war inside.
There’s a nurturing instinct that wants to protect them from the same mistakes I made.
And then there’s the coach in me, who knows that what they truly need isn’t my roadmap, it’s the space to find their own.
That’s the tension.
I’ve had moments where I’ve bitten my tongue mid-sentence because I realised I was about to say, “What I did was…”
Or I’ve found myself rephrasing advice into a question, trying to steer back into curiosity.
Sometimes I get it right.
Sometimes I catch myself too late.
But each time, I learn a little more about my patterns.
The reflection
I’m realising that my urge to “fix” usually comes from empathy, from genuinely wanting to see someone thrive.
It’s not wrong to care deeply; it’s just about how that care shows up.
When I shift from “I know” to “I wonder,” I move from expert to coach.
When I notice the “I think” creeping in, I pause, breathe, and ask a different question instead.
Something that brings it back to them:
“What do you think you might need in that situation?”
“How does that sound to you?”
“What feels most important right now?”
That simple shift, from advice to curiosity, keeps me grounded in the coaching space.
What I’m learning
- Familiarity can blur boundaries, awareness is what brings them back into focus.
- Empathy doesn’t mean fixing; it means listening without needing to rescue.
- “I think” is my red flag, a gentle reminder to return to curiosity.
- The best support I can offer isn’t my story, it’s helping them write theirs.
Thoughts to consider:
- What are your own “warning signs” that you’re slipping into fixer mode?
- How do you bring yourself back when empathy starts turning into advice?
- What helps you hold care without carrying responsibility for your client’s outcomes?
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